When Your Child Tells You NO!
Your Defiant Child!
Don’t worry; you are not alone as a parent teetering between moments of sheer pride and love to extreme frustration and disbelief with your child’s behavior. There is a fine line that separates babies from toddlers and as soon as it hits, you will no doubt realize that your child is defiant. Saying “no”, pointing their finger, refusing to wear shoes, having meltdowns because of the car seat, throwing food off of their high chair and demanding things at the grocery store by rolling around on the filthy floor embarrassing you to death. Bedtime, morning, lunch time, bath time, play time and everything in between becomes a constant struggle and when things are good, you are simply holding your breath waiting for the bottom to drop out! And then it does…
There are parts of raising children that few people tell you about. Maybe they don’t say anything because they worry that their child is the only “crazy” one on the block or because they want to make sure that others continue to have children of their own. The truth is that your child has and will develop a strong mind of their own at a younger age than expected and they won’t spend their lives saying “yes mama” or immediately doing exactly what they are told. They may be perfect angels at school, but at home they are defiant!
Dealing with a defiant child is difficult
For most parents it is the sheer disbelief that their cute as a button 3 year old is questioning the rules or talking back at all that throws them off course. This causes mom and dad to become angry and punitive which only leads to a child becoming more frustrated. As your child grows they need to have freedom of thought and be given an opportunity to take responsibility for their decisions. IF you notice that your child balks at new ideas or has a tantrum when it is time to stop playing or get in the car, it may just be that you need to change your approach. Talking to children about the day ahead of them, encouraging them to make a choice in their day and involving them in family priorities can definitely curb traits of being defiant. For instance, if you have a busy day planned, make a list and ask your toddler what activity they would like to do. This gives them something to look forward to and offers you leverage.
The other thing to remember with defiant children of any age is that often it isn’t what they are saying, but how they are going about saying it. Remember that they are young and dealing with their emotions from a practical sense is not their forte. In fact, that is where they are learning. A great way to approach them is to offer them a quiet place to settle down and tell them that you want to hear what they have to say, but that you won’t listen to them while they are behaving this way. Then point out the behavior that is bothering you and offer them a chance to regain control. When they do, praise them for their composure and methodically sit down at their level to listen to what they are feeling. Try to guide them through identifying their feelings and recognize triggers. This way in the future you can change your approach which will have a ripple effect on their reaction.
When a child is defiant, the worst thing that any parent can do is to become angry or volatile.
Barking back, engaging in the event at their level or punishing them immediately will not solve the defiancy and will only reinforce their frustrations and fears. Realize that being defiant whether it is your child or any one else is really about maintaining a sense of control over things and it may be that your child feels unequipped and disallowed from participating fully in the family dynamic.
The older your child gets the more they will be able to rein in their defiancy. Teaching them ways to deal with feelings and empowering them with sensible choices and rational behavior of your own are the keys to helping your child learn how to play by the rules of life.
