When Grandparents Interfere
The in laws? We all have them and most parents complain about them to their friends. The mother in law often terrorizes the daughter in law and vice versa. Statistics show that today, more than ever in the history of society, that more grandparents are raising their grandchildren or cohabitating with them. This means that grandparents are often heralded as parental figures in a household and more than likely they have opposite ways of dealing with your child than you. While often, grandparents are a godsend, they can also interfere and meddle and make your life miserable along the way.
Before you hand your children over to the grandparents as full time care givers consider the fact that CNBC recently reported that kids raised by grandparents perform lower in school, are more inclined to be over weight and less likely to be engaged in social groups outside of the home. The reasons are obvious! Grandparents have the undeniable right to spoil their grandchildren and then send them home to mom and dad feeling bloated from eating chocolate and chips all day. Grandparents can indulge their grandchildren on every whim and desire because after all, these kids aren’t their kids – they are the grandkids. So at the risk of sounding trite – if your children’s grandparents are interfering too much, there is a good chance that you are asking for it. This isn’t fair to the grandparents, your children or your relationship.
If the grandparents seem to call every day to check on the kiddos or plan far too many visits or just quite simply feel entitled to spending the weekend at your home than you need to take responsibility by setting limits. If the grandparents are always buying things for the kids that you don’t want in your home or have a habit of being condescending toward you when you are dealing with your children…boundaries! Setting limits and boundaries is essential and it can be done without hurting anyone’s feelings. You simply have to have a sit down with the grandparents in question and explain to them how you feel! Ask them to go back to their own early parenting days so they can remember how annoyed they got with the grandparents and make sure you have specific examples of what it is they are doing that you feel crosses the invisible boundary line. Then you need to tell them just how much you appreciate them and their efforts and love and regain control of YOUR household. Most of the time if the grandparents become an interference it is simply because you have allowed it to happen as a convenience to you. Once this conversation is over you have to be adamant about your new boundaries and deploy actions to keep them in check.
For instance, if it is 5 minutes before dinner and grandma offers a Nutty Buddy bar – step in and tell your child that they have to eat their dinner and agree that it was a nice thing of grandma to give it to him. IF the crying ensues, hold your ground amid curious stares from Grandma and after dinner your child can have the nutty buddy. Pouting, being upset or feeling betrayed won’t have a positive effect and you have to be the grow-up. Both for your sanity and for your child.
If the grandparents are generally overbearing, the best way to deal with this is to leave the children with them when you don’t have to be there. If they are dying to see the kids, send them over on a Friday night for a sleepover and go out and enjoy your couple time. This way, what happens at Grandmas stays at Grandmas. You won’t be undermined or put on the spot and you won’t have to sit through endless hours watching your blood pressure boil. Pick the kids up the next day without asking any questions. What you need to know your children will tell you about later.
In some ways it is sad that so many grandparents are raising their grandchildren. While it is better than a daycare it is succinctly robbing grandma and grandpa the chance to enjoy their grandchildren without being an authority figure. If it seems to be too much for your family, it is your job and role as a parent to set limits and boundaries that are acceptable for everyone involved.
I am a single mom to an almost a 5 year old boy. My parents were instrumental in helping me raise him since he was a little baby. They helped me through my separation, unemployment, moving out of my apartment and living with them for 2 years. I now have a job and have my own place. However, they still help me a lot with pick-ups, being with him when he is sick, letting me take an evening off, and having some time to run errands and have a bit of a life. While this is very helpful to me lately, it has been very difficult for me to co-exist with them. They are involved in my life almost every day and I feel that they are becoming the parents to my son. We have very different opinions on some of the very key questions and my son is confused now. I am not allowed to make a single comment in their presence since they feel like this undermines their authority, but they undermine mine all the time. I have heard numerous comments coming from their side stating something in these lines, “When we take care of your son, we do as we please. If you do not agree with how we do things, go find someone else.” I have tried to deal with these differences in the settled way, but it got to the point where I could not. After a big fight, that did not lead to any resolution, I went on my own and hired help. I hate being estranged with my own parents, but I feel like this was the only way to do – to set boundaries. They can see my son, and be helpful, but they cannot be parents to him. I am the parent.
This is very good general advice. But what if grandparents are poisoning my kids against me? I had swallowed so many unpleasant comments, gifts, actions, situations, and tried to be forgiven. Since all the grandparents spoil their grand kids. My mother-in-law is generally control freak. So except my husband who is nice enough to live close to them, all his siblings are out of state where she cannot control or give them guilt trip all the time. She does this by name of god who will save her whatever she does. She thinks if she means well, everything will be forgiven. So if I say “no dessert after 6:00″ her feelings are hurt, and think I’m over controlling. But doesn’t it called “boundaries?” so as you can see, that doesn’t work for her. And only makes me a bad guy.
Recently I found out that she thinks I ABUSE my children, which is absolutely insult. I love my children and I’ve been working hard to teach them what is right and wrong, so they will think and solve their own problems. I even admit when I make mistakes and correct myself in front of them. But grandparents thinks I’m too perfectionist, and too strict. Well, if you see my children perform so well at school or any other occasions, you know I’m doing things right. Once in a while my children have a phase to be independent. When that happens, my in-laws jumps in and blame on everything on me. I would like to say “don’t you forget 99% of other times when kids are acting wonderful are not because of me?”
4 years ago, I came home from work where grandparents were watching my daughters, 3 1/2 and 1 at the time. I picked up the baby and leaned over my other daughter to kiss. Then I accidentally bump my baby’s head on the chair and made her cry. She calls this “abuse”. I felt bad enough that I bumped my baby’s head on the chair but it wasn’t that hard. I’m the mother, I know. I don’t want to hurt my kids. But then she gave me on and on guilt trip saying how aweful that was and baby may had a concussion. So I snapped. I told her if she thinks that was that bad, I would go ER right away. Then I think she knows she was just giving me a guilt trip and if I really bring the baby to ER, that was really nothing. So suddenly she changed the subject saying “you are so abusive. I will call child protecting service and take kids away from you!” so you see how she is irrational. I got her and she was pissed because she’s very proud person. Often she says “I’m 65 years old and raised 10 children”— she only have three children and 7 seemed to come from her 7 siblings but she’s not even oldest. She’s the middle. So even small comment like this she makes up story, bending the fact trying to prove her point desperately. At that time I was furious and had a scream match with her that I would never let her take my kids away from me. But ever since she’s been working on her craft to control kids against me. I was stupid that when she apologized things were over.
Now here is current problem I have with them; since they are delusional and believe so strongly that I abuse my children, when my daughter had a bad dream or imagination that she was hiding from cops, or mummies chasing her, they think she is hiding from me and goes to “safe place” when she ignores me. Okay, if you know how every 7 year old act, you know that doesn’t mean anything. They are just avoiding to do their jobs such as clean up, or getting ready for bed. About mummies, we went to a museum where the mummy exhibit was held recently. All that my husband and I could see where she’s getting ideas from her daily activities. She didn’t even believe when my daughter said to her it’s not a big deal.
They have been visiting my kids every week and I let them baby sit and went dinner with my husband. But what I found out are grandparents trying to alienating my daughter towards me. THIS IS a child abuse. They ask each time “do you like mommy?” which is putting doubt in their mind. They often make comments like “granny is nice, mommy is angry”. I witnessed her saying to my daughter “now I understand how you feel to be put on a spot” when I asked her why she makes up stories instead of asking my daughter the truth.
It is getting too much and my husband and I decided not to see them more than once a month, and no more kids alone with grandparents because I no longer trust them.
It hurts my husband to have this kind of relationship with his parents. But how can we change them? They won’t. I tried. Now I just feel that I really need to protect my kids from them ruining our family. Am I right or not?