When Grandparents Interfere
The in laws? We all have them and most parents complain about them to their friends. The mother in law often terrorizes the daughter in law and vice versa. Statistics show that today, more than ever in the history of society, that more grandparents are raising their grandchildren or cohabitating with them. This means that grandparents are often heralded as parental figures in a household and more than likely they have opposite ways of dealing with your child than you. While often, grandparents are a godsend, they can also interfere and meddle and make your life miserable along the way.
Before you hand your children over to the grandparents as full time care givers consider the fact that CNBC recently reported that kids raised by grandparents perform lower in school, are more inclined to be over weight and less likely to be engaged in social groups outside of the home. The reasons are obvious! Grandparents have the undeniable right to spoil their grandchildren and then send them home to mom and dad feeling bloated from eating chocolate and chips all day. Grandparents can indulge their grandchildren on every whim and desire because after all, these kids aren’t their kids – they are the grandkids. So at the risk of sounding trite – if your children’s grandparents are interfering too much, there is a good chance that you are asking for it. This isn’t fair to the grandparents, your children or your relationship.
If the grandparents seem to call every day to check on the kiddos or plan far too many visits or just quite simply feel entitled to spending the weekend at your home than you need to take responsibility by setting limits. If the grandparents are always buying things for the kids that you don’t want in your home or have a habit of being condescending toward you when you are dealing with your children…boundaries! Setting limits and boundaries is essential and it can be done without hurting anyone’s feelings. You simply have to have a sit down with the grandparents in question and explain to them how you feel! Ask them to go back to their own early parenting days so they can remember how annoyed they got with the grandparents and make sure you have specific examples of what it is they are doing that you feel crosses the invisible boundary line. Then you need to tell them just how much you appreciate them and their efforts and love and regain control of YOUR household. Most of the time if the grandparents become an interference it is simply because you have allowed it to happen as a convenience to you. Once this conversation is over you have to be adamant about your new boundaries and deploy actions to keep them in check.
For instance, if it is 5 minutes before dinner and grandma offers a Nutty Buddy bar – step in and tell your child that they have to eat their dinner and agree that it was a nice thing of grandma to give it to him. IF the crying ensues, hold your ground amid curious stares from Grandma and after dinner your child can have the nutty buddy. Pouting, being upset or feeling betrayed won’t have a positive effect and you have to be the grow-up. Both for your sanity and for your child.
If the grandparents are generally overbearing, the best way to deal with this is to leave the children with them when you don’t have to be there. If they are dying to see the kids, send them over on a Friday night for a sleepover and go out and enjoy your couple time. This way, what happens at Grandmas stays at Grandmas. You won’t be undermined or put on the spot and you won’t have to sit through endless hours watching your blood pressure boil. Pick the kids up the next day without asking any questions. What you need to know your children will tell you about later.
In some ways it is sad that so many grandparents are raising their grandchildren. While it is better than a daycare it is succinctly robbing grandma and grandpa the chance to enjoy their grandchildren without being an authority figure. If it seems to be too much for your family, it is your job and role as a parent to set limits and boundaries that are acceptable for everyone involved.
