Family Bed or Not?

Co-Sleeping Do’s & Don’t’s

Before the kids came along you probably were steadfast in your belief that children should sleep in their own beds.  Just the sheer thought of parents sharing their bed with their children may have made you shutter.  Now, that you are a parent yourself – you see how easily things change and how quickly children can make their way into your bedroom and under your covers.

Often, co-sleeping begins in infancy because parents are fearful of leaving their children in another room.  You also may be breastfeeding and inadvertently fall asleep with your child in the middle of the night while feeding them.  Suddenly, you have a full blown bed bug in your midst and sleeping together is just easier than sleeping separately.  By the time the toddler years hit, sleep routines are often embedded and many parents are just too exhausted by the end of the day that they allow their children to fall asleep in their arms.  All you want is sleep; for them and you.

With all the news about SIDS co-sleeping has got a bad rap.  There is also the risk that a parent will accidentally roll over on their child and smother them without knowing.  While that may seem unimaginable, it happens every year in America to several hundred children.  Consider how tired you are and how small your child is and it can easily become a problem.

It is also important to mention that co-sleeping is a hard habit to break once you are a year or so down the road.  Your child may not be able to go to sleep in their own bed or they may be frightened to sleep without you.  When you do decide you have had enough, your child may fight the change which can leave parents teetering between guilt and resentment.  The best way to avoid co-sleeping is to never start it.  Yet many parents feel very warm having a family bed and wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

Let’s start with the basics.  In infancy, it is dangerouos for a child to be on a bed with so many pillows, cushions, comforters and people.  You may find that purchasing a co-sleeper that allows your child to sleep next to you in the bed but that keeps you safely separate is a way to ease your fears and provide a safe environment.  During the toddler years children are notorious for breaking out of their room in the middle of the night to snuggle with mom and dad.  If you are adamant that co-sleeping is not for you than you have a responsibility to march them right back to their own room.  Perhaps if they are scared, you should lie down in their room for a while until they fall asleep.

There are other issues of course that go with the while co-sleeping issue.  It can ruin intimacy between adults to always have children in the bed.  It also can make getting a good nights sleep difficult for mom and dad because little feet, hands and heads are poking them and stealing the covers.  Children who sleep with their parents may also be clingier and never really learn to sleep alone which can make things for them difficult when they get older.

The controversy is of course endless.  The bottom line is that co-sleeping is definitely a matter of opinion and taste.  Many parents feel that sleeping with their children and falling asleep together creates a very unique bonding experience and a closeness that cannot be mimicked other wise.  However, there does come a point when it needs to end.  It is important as parents to develop autonomy in children and at a certain age privacy becomes crucial for both the parents and the child.  The appropriate age to end co-sleeping is also as disputed as the family bed.  Essentially, it should happen when you feel it is right and when your child is most comfortable.

While many people are quick to chastise those who co-sleep with their children it isn’t something you should feel ashamed of.  Your pediatrician will of course remind you of the dangers and others will think you are crazy to let a toddler interrupt your slumber night after night.  The bottom line is that what feels right to you and what works for you and your child is the right thing to do.