Not Your Parents’ Brady Bunch… The Modern Step Family, And How to Make It Work

Currently, in the United States, over half all of marriages end in divorce. That is a staggering statistic when you take into account that many of these couples had children prior to divorce. That means that half of the children on any sports team or in any classroom come from divorced homes. With the increase in divorce comes an increase in step-families. It wasn’t that long ago that a step family was an oddity of sorts. A divorced woman with custody of her two children might marry a single man with no children. But not until recently did we begin seeing a large number of entire step families. A mother with one or two children might marry a man with three children who live with him every other week.

Because custody laws are changing, often favoring fathers, it isn’t at all uncommon for a father to have sole or joint physical custody of his children. This means that a family can have five children living in the home one week, and no children living at home the next while they visit their other parents. With this new way of doing things, comes a new way of making step families work. Gone are the days of The Brady’s when no one ever knew or heard about the other parent. Now, the ex husband or wife plays an everyday (or at least every other week) role in everyone’s life. Blending families is difficult, but not impossible. Establishing family Ground Rules helps head off a number of problems or potential problems that step families face.

• He Said/She Said- Do not talk bad about your ex. Ever. (At least in front of the children)
• No more “mine” and “yours”- Nothing divides step families faster than terms like “my kids” and “your kids”. For many children of divorce, the chance to have a family again is very special. By referring to the children as “mine” or “yours” it lays claim to some children and alienates others. Be careful to use “we” and “ours”. All members of the family need to feel that they belong and are wanted.
• Maintain good communication with the other parents- As children get older, they have a tendency to push limits by attempting to play one parent against the other. This is an even more dangerous problem for a step family. Talk to the other parents involved and be certain that you are all on the same page. All of the parents need to let the children know that playing one side against the other will not be tolerated.

Building a step family is very challenging. If you find your family struggling with issues that seem beyond your ability to handle or fix, use every resource available to you to make it better. Remember that you have more than just your life and your happiness at stake. Your children have already lost a family once and it is your responsibility to give them a strong family and a safe place to call home.