Are You Thinking About Divorce? The Aftermath of Childbirth
Baby makes three. And for many couples, this is when marital trouble can arise.
You might think that combining your love for another into the birth of a baby would be the perfect ingredients for a perfect marriage. Problem is there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and having a baby causes deep shifts in both men and women that have them reevaluating what is important in life and in relationships. The good news is that this shift in consciousness and partnership can forge something even more powerful than just love. Friendship.
It’s easy to see why having a baby can make things in your life so topsy-turvy for a while. Not only are you sleep deprived but also a lifetime of expectations and perceived gender responsibilities merge. Without thinking, you have to talk about it or discuss it; you expect your partner to blend into your idea of the perfect parent and spouse. Chances are they have a different idea of how things could be. So both partners are left feeling disappointed and radically adjusting to all the new responsibilities that having a baby brings.
Pre-baby impromptu shopping trips or golf weekends with the boys may not have been a problem. Now with one baby in the nest, simple things like this can feel like grounds for divorce. However, rather than going off the deep end and turning every minor disappointment along the way commit to talking to each other. If you can communicate to your spouse what you expect and how you are feeling; they will have a fighting chance of finding middle ground. However, if you spew anger at a spouse because you quite simply don’t feel like they are living up to their end of the bargain – and you assume (important word) that they should just “know” how you are feeling; you can be left not communicating for years.
Baby makes three means that the tide of responsibility changes. Each of you now has a different role to fill in life. For many couples, it can be hard to admit that all the attention one parent gives to the baby makes them feel like they are being neglected. And couples need to remember that just because there is a baby in the house, doesn’t give them the right to forget about their partner! Talk, talk, talk and then talk some more. Try to continue talking about things that are not baby related. Also, find joy in seeing your partner in the new light. Even if they aren’t the ‘perfect’ mom or dad yet – take notice for how well they have done. Things are always different when the baby is born, then they are when you are simply expecting.
Having children and becoming a family takes tons of give and take. Mostly though, you have to be willing to lay your expectations of how you thought things would be – the picket white fence and all that, to the side. Instead, find things that work for your relationship and that make both of you feel equally loved and responsible. There will always be a time when one-half of the relationship seems to take on more responsibility than the other will. If one parent is staying home, they may feel overwhelmed by the work involved in tending to a baby. If another parent is the sole income winner, they may feel increasingly pressured by financial aspects of the relationship. All of this is normal.
One thing is for sure; if you are thinking about divorce shortly after having a baby – chances are you and your partner need to express your thoughts and feelings. Rather than hide behind being ashamed to say what you really feel and a lifetime of conditioning that defines ‘gender roles’ in your family – talk about the things both of you can do to make things work. Give and take. Compromise. And above all else – set aside time each week to just be together sans the little bundle of joy. Marriage is constantly changing and in order to keep up with it, you must be willing to be honest and to compromise.
